Other Great Plans NYU Has for the City

Witnessing how well its idea to dump a ton of new bricks on the historical Provincetown Playhouse went over, New York University this week rolled some of its other plans for the town. Among them:

*Remembering that, historically, painter John Sloan once camped out on top of The Washington Square Arch with a bunch of his buddies, NYU will build on that idea by installing two dorm rooms and a bulkhead at the top of the arch.

*To create yet more dorm rooms, an enormous treehouse will be built among the branches of the centuries-old "Hanging Elm" in the park.

*Toll booths will be placed at Fifth Avenue, LaGuardia Place and all other entries points to Washington Square to regulate traffic and provide a steady source of income for the university.

*The university will enter into a partnership with restaurateur Keith McNally to turn the Minetta Tavern into a student cafeteria. Joe Gould goulash will be served every Wednesday.

*NYU will build a tall glass building that will spoil, er, enhance the view of the Washington Square when looking down Fifth Avenue. Wait! They already did that.

*NYU will be a monstrous towering dorm over the corpse, er, facade of St. Ann's Church. Wait! They already did that.

*NYU will tear down a former home of Edgar Allan Poe to build a new law school...what's that?...goddamn it!

*The school will propose to City Council changing the name of the metropolis to New York University City.

*Taking on Columbia University as its running mate, NYU will run for Mayor in 2009. Bloomberg, it is expected, will endorse the two institution's candidacies. City Hall to become a dorm. Gracie Mansion a gymnasium.