Mayor Bloomberg Orders Lunch

(Inside Mayor Bloomberg's office. Jill Hazelbaker enters.)


Jill Hazelbaker: Hey, boss.
Michael Bloomberg: (Correcting) "Your honor"
Hazelbaker: Right. You Honor. We're ordering lunch. What do you want?
Bloomberg: Talk to the Campaign.
Hazelbaker: What?
Bloomberg: Talk to the Campaign.
Hazelbaker: I just want to know what you want to eat.
Bloomberg: I know that. I thought I was clear. Talk to the Campaign.
Hazelbaker: But I'm the Campaign, Mike.
Bloomberg: "Your..."
Hazelbaker: ...Your Honor.
Bloomberg: So talk to yourself.
Hazelbaker: Ask myself what you want for lunch?
Bloomberg: That's right. What am I paying you for?
Hazelbaker: All right. Well, speaking on your behalf, I'm ordering a Subway tuna hero, some Cheeze-its and a Pepsi.
Bloomberg: Well, is that what I want?
Hazelbaker: I think so.
Bloomberg: Good, then.
(Pause)
Hazelbaker: Well, is it?
Bloomberg: Talk to the Campaign. I'm trying to run a City here. Don't people realize we've just been attacked by terrorists. It's imperative there be a steady hand at the wheel.
Hazelbaker: No, that was Giuliani's rationale for trying for a third term.
Bloomberg: Right. That was disgraceful. What's mine, again?
Hazelbaker: The economic crisis.
Bloomberg: Right. I've got a City to run. Don't people realize we're in the middle of an economic crisis?
Hazelbaker: I think they do.
Bloomberg: Do they?
Hazelbaker: Definitely.
Bloomberg: Cause, you know, personally I'm not really feeling it.
Hazelbaker: Well, there's the money.
Bloomberg: My money you mean.
Hazelbaker: Yes. It's hard to feel it when you've got all that money. But it's out there. Promise.
Bloomberg: That Obama. Gotta hand it to him. Only $400,000 a year. I don't know how he does it.
Hazelbaker: Your Honor, while we wait for the lunch, maybe we can go over the new rules for the press.
Bloomberg: The what?
Hazelbaker: The reporters.
Bloomberg: Oh, they're a disgrace!
Hazelbaker: Your Honor. We decided we weren't going to use that word anymore. It's gotten you into trouble.
Bloomberg: I don't understand. Didn't I buy all the papers last fall when they endorsed me for a third term? The ingratitude. How do people expect me to be a philanthropist and give them money if they don't understand that I've bought them afterwards?
Hazelbaker: So, we've already established that reporters can only ask about the Campaign during Campaign appearance, and can only ask about the City during Mayoral appearances.
Bloomberg: How did we work it so they can tell the different Me's?
Hazelbaker: At Campaign events you'll wear a Mets cap, at City events you'll wear a Yankees cap.
Bloomberg: When do I wear a Knicks cap?
Hazelbaker: At Knicks games.
Bloomberg: Riiiiight.
Hazelbaker: But it hasn't worked out so well, this arrangement. They keep asking whatever questions they want.
Bloomberg: Yeah, why do they do that?
Hazelbaker: Freedom of the Press.
Bloomberg: Get Quinn on that. See if we can overturn it.
Hazelbaker: It's, um...
Bloomberg: It's clear what's needed. More rules. This City thrives when I make rules that no one's allowed to question. Like the smoking ban. Or the traffic ban in Times Square. Or congestion pricing.
Hazelbaker: Uh huuuhh....
Bloomberg: OK. So. On Thursdays, they can ask me about my legacy as Mayor.
Hazelbaker: Thursdays.
Bloomberg: When I'm wearing a blue shirt, they can ask me about campaign spending.
Hazelbaker: You wear a blue shirt most days.
Bloomberg: Red shirt.
Hazelbaker: You never wear a red shirt.
Bloomberg: Definitely a red shirt. When I'm standing on one leg, I've opened the floor to questions about the economy. On my right leg, I'll talk about Swine Flu. If I'm wearing an ascot, I'll take questions on the Republican Party. But only if they say "Mother, May I?"
Hazelbaker: When can people ask about the third term thing.
Bloomberg: Whenever I'm not looking irritable.
Hazelbaker: But...
Bloomberg: Moving on. Say, what's that in your hand?
Hazelbaker: This?
Bloomberg: Yes.
Hazelbaker: A plastic bag.
Bloomberg: OK--give me a nickel.
Hazelbaker: That law didn't pass, Your Honor.
Bloomberg: You know the rules. Give me a nickel.