09 May 2010

Columbia Commons Is Wrapped Up in Something or Other

It's called Columbia Commons, and it's on the market. 

This is the name given to the large apartment complex on Hicks Street between Warren and Baltic. The very, very old and historic Hamberger Christmas Display Factory had to die that it might live.

The big, boxy thing has been going up quickly, and it's not looking terrible in comparison to other local pieces of crapitecture. They'll be a grand opening on May 15 and 16 for the curious. And the website has a nifty, cutely primitive map that shows Yuppies exactly where they can do their Yuppie stuff (Saul, Char. No 4, Area Yoga, Trader Joe's, etc.).

The slogan's a little sick-making, though. "A Modern Life Wrapped in History." As the reader who sent this tip in said: "Barf-o-rama." How about "A Modern Life Built Atop the Grave of History." Works for me.

Broker lies are so much fun to read. From the website's "History" page: "Today, the mile-long Columbia Street Waterfront District neighborhood retains its elegant, charming heritage and a new forward-thinking mentality." I know my neighborhood, and while its past was many things, elegant and charming weren't any of them. Bloody, dirty, fetid, corrupt and violent, yes. Warehouse fires and the Smokey Hollow Gang. That's Columbia Commons' heritage. And not an uninteresting one at that. 

"Forward-thinking mentality," by the way, is code for "Crapitecture is allowed."

In case you're wondering, this bucolic spot above the BQE gulch can be yours for $420,000 (1 Bedroom), $595,000 (2 B) and $895,000 (3 B).


Elizabeth said...

My Neighbor pointed out this hilarious bit from the columbia commons website "history" section:

" In the 1940s a separate neighborhood emerged, where Columbia Commons now resides. "

Hmmmm....perhaps because a giant highway called the BQE tore the neighborhood in half?

Heart As Arena said...

1. Other things that had to die so that this might live: The views of the water from Cobble Hill Towers and The Arches.

2. The bar for crapitecture on that row of buildings on Hicks isn't low so much as it's just downright pounded a couple feet into the ground. I have a feeling that the building (that looked like it was going to be a parking garage until recently) directly across from The Arches will follow suit. If this was twitter I'd use the hashtag #nohope.