05 February 2008

Other Super Ideas for Our City's Future Greatness!

That article about Nathan's Famous in Coney Island being rezoned so that they could plant a big 'ol 14-story highrise on the site—such a GREAT idea—got me thinking of other ways the Department of City Planning and all their swell little builder-boy friends could improve this old town, which, let's face it, is just soooo dirty and ugly and just much too OLD! Gosh, I hope they're reading this. These ideas deserved serious consideration.

*Add 12 stories to the top of the "21" Club and rename it the "84" Club—four times better!—and put a really big jockey on the roof. You know, like a fancy Bob's Big Boy statue?

*Make the Four Seasons restaurant just One Season—Summer!—because nobody really likes the other ones, and, anyway, with Global Warming, we really don't even have winter and fall anymore. In keeping with the theme, make the pool in the Pool Room a working hot tub, to which memberships can be purchased.

*Erect a permanent catwalk down the center of Bryant Park with supermodels sauntering down it 24/7.

*Create a monorail that encircles Times Square—Manhattan's own Loop, Chicago-style!—with stops only at Virgin Megastore, Toys 'R' Us, Planet Hollywood, Madame Tussaud's, Ripley's Believe It or Not!, Applebee's, Chevy's, the Marriott Marquis and Olive Garden! Less walking and cleaner sneakers for all tourists.

*Take a page from Las Vegas and erect thematic midtown hotels that eliminate the need to visit and explore other famous neighborhoods. Upper West Side Inn. Lower East Side Lodge. East Village Villa. The Brooklyn. Marty Markowitz can be hired as a greeter at the latter, after he leaves office.

*Tiered Shakespeare at the Delacorte Theatre, based on income. The poor folks who can't pay anything will see a Juilliard version of "Midsummer Night's Dream," while paying attendees will get to view a star-laden production of a different Bard work, and gold ticket holders get into a one-night-only July 4 presentation of, say, Sean Combs' Hamlet.

*Shut down original Carnegie, Stage and Katz's delis and bunch them together in a kind of Riese-like food mall called "Deli Land," located where the Times Square Howard Johnson's used to be.

*Move Macy's into the new Penn Station, Bloomingdale's into the old Yankee Stadium, Sak's into the New York Stock Exchange and Barney's to Governor's Island, because change it good.

*Make Gracie Mansion a bed and breakfast.


Anonymous said...

And don't forget Planet Dive Bar in Times Square. This way, you have a place for the McHale's sign, Cedar's mirrors, Siberia's jukebox AND you could charge $5 for that hard-boiled egg. Rudy's will bring along the franks shortly....

Brooks of Sheffield said...

Ha. But I would NEVER charge for hard-boiled eggs!

Lidian said...

The addition to "21' reminded me of an "I Love Lucy" where Ethel and Lucy claim that they've been out dining at "21" "four times this week - that's '84'!"

Anonymous said...

wow, that's some big chip on your shoulder.

Brooks of Sheffield said...

You bet, Mr. ANONYMOUS, and guess how it got there!